Night of the Living Maude
by Dead Composer
Summary: In space, no one can hear you say diddly. A parody of the movie Solaris.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own The Simpsons. Stupid copyright laws.

* * *

In a remote corner of the universe stood a planet called Earth by its inhabitants. Only a few thousand light years away, a planet which the people of Earth called Somnabulis rotated about a dwarf star. They had constructed a space station to orbit the planet and take scientific measurements, but the station and its instruments were becoming obsolete. NASA finally decided to decommission the station, but not before engaging in an experiment that would serve the space program's public image more than its research. They chose an American family at random, and shot them across the vastness of space to set up residence in the station, which they quickly christened… 

"Dalua," Lisa suggested. "He was a trickster god in Celtic mythology."

"That's a dumb name, Lis," said Bart.

Lisa shrugged. "Everything else in space is named after a god."

"Oh, yeah?" said Bart. "Why don't we just call it God then?"

Bart's idea stuck. Two weeks, three reactor meltdowns, and eight packages of dehydrated meals later, the Simpsons family had begrudgingly adjusted to life on Space Station God.

Then _it_ started to happen…

* * *

TBC 


	2. Chapter 2

The shuttle's thrusters belched flame as the small craft settled onto the docking platform. Once the bay doors had closed and the breathable atmosphere had been reestablished, three figures emerged from the ship, each wearing a NASA uniform. One was Ned Flanders, a grinning man with spectacles and a bushy moustache. The others were his tousled-haired boys, Rod and Todd.

"Are we in space now, Daddy?" Todd asked his father.

"We're always in space, Toddy," said Ned sagely. "No matter where you go, you can't get out of space. It's everywhere."

"Like God," Rod reflected.

"Is space God, Daddy?" asked Todd.

"No more questions, boys," said Ned, leading his sons toward a doorway.

"I'm hungry," said Rod.

"So am I, Roddy," said Ned. "I can't wait to sink my teeth into a packet of dehydrated liver and onions."

"Yaaaay!" said Rod and Todd expectantly.

They wandered along a drab corridor punctuated only by an occasional service door. "Daddy, where are the windows?" asked Todd.

"NASA must've forgotten to put them in," Ned mused.

They walked on through the dim light. "It's quiet," said Rod. "Too quiet."

"AAAARRGH!" Todd shrieked.

Ned whirled. "What is it, Toddy?"

"It was too quiet," said Todd with a grin.

A few yards later, the Flanders were unexpectedly met by a pair of familiar faces—Homer and Marge Simpson.

"Hey-diddly-ho, neighborinos," Ned greeted them.

But Marge and Homer only gaped in astonishment. After a moment, Homer rushed into a nearby room and emerged with a laser pistol in one hand. "I can't take any more of this!" he ranted, waving the gun at Ned. "Die, phony Flanders!"

"Homer, what if he's really Ned?" said Marge.

"Die, real Flanders!" Homer growled.

While Marge tried to wrest the gun from her husband, Bart and Lisa appeared around a bend in the hallway. "What's with all the noise?" asked Lisa.

"Hey, what's Flanders doing here?" said Bart curiously.

"Dying, if I have anything to do with it," said Homer angrily.

"Now don't get your knickers in a knot, Homer," said the unflappable Ned. "NASA sent me here to help you."

"Help us?" said Homer, calming down. "How?"

"I was hoping you'd tell me," said Ned.

"We did request assistance from NASA," said Marge. "But why would they send you, Ned?"

"They chose me at random, just like they chose you. They used the same system that airports use to screen people at security gates."

The Simpsons led Flanders and his son into their makeshift living room, which was furnished with a couch, a dining table, a large-screen TV, and an assortment of videos. Maggie's crib sat in a far corner, and she lay inside, fondling a mobile of rockets on strings.

"You've got yourself one diddly of a winter home," Ned remarked.

"You don't know the half of it," said Bart. Motioning to Rod and Todd, he added, "Watch this, guys."

As the Flanders boys stood by, Bart bent over and passed wind loudly. A compartment in the ceiling immediately opened, and a vacuum hose descended, sucking up the air immediately around Bart's posterior.

"Daddy, Bart poodled," said Todd.

"You have no way of proving that," said Bart as he straightened up.

"Dad, I'm sure Mr. Flanders would like to know all about the weird occurrences," said Lisa.

"Indeedly I would," said Ned.

"Fine," said Homer grumpily. "Though I don't know what you can do about it, seeing that you're not a scientist."

"Well, you're not an astronaut either," said Ned.

Homer and Flanders left the room and made their way through several corridors, soon arriving at a doorway with a wheel attached. A sign posted on the door warned them, SPACE HATCH—DO NOT OPEN.

"What exactly should I be looking at, Homer?" Ned asked.

"Wait for it," said Homer.

Half a minute passed, and then a man in a buttoned shirt and glasses entered from a side hallway. He looked at Homer and sneered derisively.

"Er, hi-diddly…" Ned began to say.

"See this sign?" said the man in a bitter tone of voice. "It says DO NOT OPEN. That's because the hatch leads into space. But I don't need to pay attention to warning signs, because I'm Homer Simpson!"

"RUN!" cried Homer.

As he and Ned hastened away, the bespectacled man grasped the wheel and turned it counter-clockwise.

A klaxon began to sound. A mere three feet behind Homer and Ned, a metal barrier slammed down and cut them off from the man, who was now screaming faintly.

"We're safe," said Homer, slowing down and leaning against a wall.

"We've got to go back!" Ned exclaimed. "That man could be dead!"

"He _is_ dead," said Homer solemnly. "He was dead before you saw him, and he'll be dead again."

"What the heck-diddly-eck are you saying?" said the confused Ned. "Who is he?"

"Frank Grimes," Homer replied. "He worked in my sector at the power plant—until he was killed in an accident."

* * *

TBC 


	3. Chapter 3

On their way back to the living quarters, Homer and Ned argued over what they had witnessed.

"People don't just come back from the dead," Ned insisted.

"Jesus did," said Homer.

"Jesus wasn't people," said Ned, who then perked up his ears. "Where's that music coming from?"

"That's the next thing you're not gonna believe," said Homer.

"Sounds like _two_ saxophones," said Ned as he stepped into the Simpson quarters. "Did Bart take up music?"

They followed the duet into Lisa's bedchambers, and found the girl jamming with a fat, balding man who wore sunglasses and shabby clothes. The stranger lowered his saxophone and smiled, exposing a set of decayed teeth.

"Hey-diddly-ho, strangerino," said Ned with a wave.

"Same to you, man," said the husky-voiced musician.

"Mr. Flanders, this is Bleeding Gums Murphy," said Lisa proudly.

"He's a real cool cat," said Rod, who was sitting on Lisa's bed with his little brother.

"I wanna play like he does," said Todd. "That's why I'm never gonna brush my teeth again."

"Bleeding Gums Murphy, eh?" said Ned seriously. "I've seen your name before. You used to perform at that club called…the Jazz Pit? The Jazz Chasm? The Jazz Inferno?"

"The Jazz Hole," said Murphy, gladly shaking Ned's hand. "I played there every night except for Tuesdays, Saturdays, and the day I died."

Ned's jaw dropped. He quickly pulled back his hand.

"Don't be afraid, Mr. Flanders," said Lisa. "He's not dangerous."

"He ain't cool with me bein' dead," said Murphy. "Give 'im time."

He and Lisa began to play again as Ned backed slowly out of the room. Unfortunately Maggie was sitting in his path of retreat, so Flanders soon ended up flat on his back. "Son of a diddly!" he groused.

"Homer, help him up," called Marge from the kitchen.

"But I like seeing him like this," said Homer, who was relaxing on the couch.

Flanders helped himself up, and glared at Marge and Homer in turn. "I can't believe you summoned me and the boys all the way into outer space just to play a Halloween prank on us."

"This is no prank, Ned," said Marge. "We're all seeing dead people. We can't get rid of them. Of course, they have nowhere to go."

"That's the most ridicu-diddly-iculous thing I've ever heard, next to the Big Bang, the Theory of Evolution, and the U.N. Charter," said Ned, turning and marching into Lisa's room. "Come on, boys, we're getting off this…er, what _is_ the name of this space station?"

"God," replied Lisa. "Bart named it."

Ned gasped in horror. "Wh-why, that's blasphemous!"

"Not to me," said Lisa. "I'm a Buddhist."

"That's even _more_ blasphemous," said Ned indignantly. "Did Buddha create the world? Did Buddha write the Bible?"

"Man, sounds like _you_ ain't used the bathroom since you left Earth," Murphy remarked.

"Rod, Todd, we're going," said Ned, grabbing his sons by the hand.

"But, Daddy, we just got here," Todd protested.

"I wanna see the arboretum," Rod whined.

"Ned, won't you stay for dinner?" said Marge, laying a gentle hand on the man's shoulder. "We're having reconstituted meat loaf."

Ned's resolve weakened. "Oh, okay, we'll stay the night. But we're leaving first thing in the morning."

"Yaaaay!" cheered Rod and Todd.

"You do have morning around here, right?" Ned asked Marge.

"Yes, we do," Marge replied. "It was fifteen minutes ago."

* * *

Dinner in space was as contentious as dinner on Earth for the Simpson family. 

"Hey, Lis, why don't you eat the meat loaf?" Bart taunted his sister. "It didn't come from a cow. It's synthetic."

"_You're_ synthetic," Lisa snapped back.

"At least I'm not a _girl_," said Bart.

"I know you are, but what am I?" said Lisa.

"Stop fighting, kids," Marge scolded them. "You'll throw off the artificial gravity field, and we'll start floating around."

"Cool," said Bart eagerly.

"Mom, the only way to turn off the gravity is to stop the station from spinning," said Lisa as she poked at her reconstituted rice cakes.

"I don't feel like I'm spinning," said Todd.

"That's because it's spinning very slowly," said Lisa.

"Wait," said Rod. "I can feel the spinning now." Five seconds later he excused himself from the table and hurried to the bathroom.

"Who wants peach cobbler?" said Marge as a sound of retching was heard throughout the living quarters.

* * *

The "evening" drew to a close as the sax duet of Bleeding Gums Murphy and Lisa played _Embraceable You_. 

"Thank you for the lovely music, Lisa, Mr. Murphy," said Ned as he rose.

"I'm here every night," said Murphy.

"You've been very hospitable to me and the boys," Ned went on, "but I've made up my mind that we're leaving tomorrow. What's more, I'm going to write in my report to NASA that you've been in space too long, and should be recalled to Earth."

"Hey, I'll write the report for you," said Bart. "And I hate writing reports."

"Bart, I think Ned's trying to insinuate that we're off our rockers," said Marge.

"It's called space fever," said Ned. "You've been cooped up here with no one to talk to except each other. It's only natural that you'd go a little insane in the membrane, and get crazy ideas about dead people coming back."

"What Mr. Flanders is saying makes perfect sense," said Lisa. "It's possible that Bleeding Gums is only a figment of our collective imagination. No offense, Bleeding Gums."

"None taken," said Murphy. "I gotta agree with you, little Lisa. First I'm dyin' in a hospital bed, then I find myself in outer space, and I ain't even felt a toothache since I showed up here. I ain't really alive. When you all go home to Earth, I'll still be here, all alone in the dark."

"Now don't go blowing yourself out of a hatch like the last Bleeding Gums," Lisa urged him.

"Let's go to bed, boys," said Flanders to Rod and Todd. "The strangeness is starting to get out of hand. We'll all have clear heads when we wake up."

* * *

Ned enjoyed happy dreams as he slept. He was at the church picnic with the boys and his beloved, departed wife, Maude. 

"A love like ours can't be the result of random chance," said Ned wistfully. "There's no doubt in my mind that God brought us together."

"It was the reverend, actually," said Maude. "We were the only success out of his attempt to set up a Christian matchmaking service."

"I love your sense of humor," said Ned, and they kissed fondly.

"Don't look, Toddy," said Rod, covering his brother's eyes. "Mommy and Daddy are making a baby."

The dream passed, and Ned awoke smiling. _How I miss her_, he thought.

As he pushed his space blanket aside and sat up, an unexpected sight caught his eyes.

"Omigosh," he exclaimed. "Where did that picnic basket come from?"

He circled the woven straw basket on the floor, eyeing it suspiciously. "I brought it," came a soft female voice.

Ned turned around quickly. "Oh, good morning, Marge. My goodness, I'm still in my pajamas. Please be a dear and don't look."

"All right, Ned," said Marge, facing away from him.

Ned picked up his glasses from the nightstand, put them on his nose, and hurried into the bathroom to change. Upon looking in the mirror, he gasped in shock.

"The lens is cracked!" he moaned, fingering his eyeglasses. "And there isn't a LensCrafters for millions of miles!"

"Let me look at them," said a familiar voice.

"Thank you, Maude," said Ned, passing his spectacles to his wife.

"It's a pretty bad crack," said the woman with red hair like a cotton blossom.

"Yessirree, it is," said Ned cheerfully. "But when I wake up, my goggles will be as good as the day God made them."

"You're not asleep, Ned," said Maude seriously. "I'm really here. I don't know how, but I'm alive."

Ned stared at his wife and blinked a few times.

Then he screamed like a little girl.

* * *

TBC 


	4. Chapter 4

When Homer next saw Flanders, the man was racing frantically along the corridor, being pursued by a woman wearing a red and white dress and garish lipstick.

"Don't touch me!" Ned shouted at the woman. "You're not real! You're a demon! A monster!"

"It's me, Neddy," said Maude sweetly. "I've come back for you."

Before Homer had a chance to say "What the…", Ned pushed past him into the Simpson living quarters.

"Hello, Homer," said Maude when she encountered her one-time neighbor.

Homer stared at her for a second, then began to laugh heartily. "You must have scared the crap out of Flanders," he chuckled.

"Aren't you surprised at all to see me alive?" asked Maude seriously.

"Not a bit," said Homer. "You're the third dead person we've seen walking around since we got here. Fourth, if you count Snowball I as a person."

"I am _not_ dead!" Maude insisted.

Inside the dwelling, Ned charged into Bart's bedroom and snatched away the laser pistol the boy was playing with. "Hey, be careful with that!" Bart scolded him. "It could go off!"

Then Homer heard a stern voice from behind his back. "Get out of the way, Homer!"

He swiveled. "Huh? What are you…"

Homer barely managed to skip out of the way before Ned pulled the trigger, firing a scarlet blast of death into Maude's bosom. With an alarmed scream, she plummeted backwards.

Horrified, Homer, Marge, and Bart gathered around the fallen, motionless woman. A black, scorched area marked the front of her dress. Oddly, there was no smell of seared flesh.

"Omigod, she's dead!" Marge exclaimed. "Again!"

"That _thing_ is not my wife," said Ned, breathing heavily and gripping the pistol.

"No one's arguing with you, Flanders," said Homer as he rose. "But you could've hit someone who really _is_ alive."

"I need to sit down," said Marge, walking unsteadily to the couch.

Ned lowered the weapon and bent over the mortally wounded woman, gazing wistfully at her. "What have I done? I know she's not Maude, but whoever she is—whatever she is—I just murdered her!"

"Murders committed by Flanders, one," joked Homer. "Murders committed by me, zero."

"I figured she was a demon, and she'd turn into smoke and float back to Hell, or something," said Ned sadly.

"Oh, come on," said Bart condescendingly. "I can't believe the ignorance I'm seeing. She's clearly an alien cyborg replicant, as the autopsy will prove."

"But this alien duplicate might have been somebody's mother," said Ned, tears streaming down his cheeks.

As he, Homer, and Bart stood about the dead figure, Bleeding Gums Murphy strolled down the hallway accompanied by Lisa, who held a white cat in her arms. "Mom, Dad, I found Snowball!" she announced. "She was eating catnip in the…oh, my Buddha!"

She and Murphy both gaped when they saw Maude stretched out on the floor. "What's the number for 911 out here?" asked the jazzman.

Maude suddenly yanked in a breath.

"Wha…" stammered Ned as he wiped his eyes.

Maude breathed again. Her incinerated chest heaved up and down.

"She's alive!" cried Homer.

"Look!" exclaimed Lisa, pointing.

Fabric was appearing around the edges of Maude's wound. It spread throughout the blackened area like a wave of cotton, until the woman's chest was restored to its old state.

Maude stood up with some difficulty. She glanced around at the surprised visages of the others, then looked at Ned. "You shot me, Neddy. Why?"

Flanders stuttered as he searched for words. "I-I'm sorry, honey. I didn't know it wouldn't kill you."

"That was the _wrong_ thing to say to a woman," Bart remarked.

"Put the gun away, boy," Homer commanded his son.

"Sure, Homer," said Bart, grabbing the laser pistol from Ned and skipping to his room.

"More importantly," said the consternated Maude, "how did I survive being shot—not to mention the fall at the race track? Do I have nine lives, like a cat?"

An instant later Rod and Todd scampered into the living room. The sight of Maude startled the pajama-clad boys.

"Look, Rod! It's Mommy!" Todd exclaimed.

"She's not dead anymore!" Rod cried jubilantly.

"Oh, my little boys," gushed Maude, wrapping her arms around them. "Were you good for Daddy while I was gone?"

"Yes, Mommy," said Rod and Todd together.

"Don't lie," Maude scolded them. "It makes Baby Jesus cry."

Ned, visibly shaken, shuffled into Lisa's room. Homer, Marge, and Lisa, concerned about his state of mind, followed him.

"You okay, Flanders?" said Homer. "Please say no."

"Homer!" Marge snapped.

Lisa tried to massage the troubled man's shoulders. "I know how you're feeling," she said. "When Bleeding Gums showed up, I almost flipped my lid. I even considered converting back to Christianity."

"I can't believe I just shot an angel," Flanders mumbled. "Now I'll go to hell for sure."

"An angel?" said Lisa. "What do you mean?"

"What else can she be?" said Flanders anxiously. "She died, she came back, and now she's immortal."

Lisa stepped aside when she saw Maude and the boys entering. "Neddy, talk to me," Maude urged.

Ned did talk to her, but not in the manner she expected. Dropping to his knees, he stretched out his arms and bowed before her. "I am not worthy to be in thy presence," he said reverently.

* * *

TBC 


	5. Chapter 5

"Oh, Neddy," said Maude with a giggle. "I know you worship the ground I walk on, but aren't you carrying it a little too far?"

"He thinks you came down from heaven, Mrs. Flanders," said Lisa. On the floor, Ned began to kiss his wife's pumps.

"What gave you that idea, Neddy dear?" said Maude. "Sure, I died twice, but I haven't been to heaven, and I haven't seen God."

Stunned by the woman's statement, Ned slowly rose to his feet. "You…you haven't…" he stammered.

"Boys," said Maude to Rod and Todd, "your father and I would like a moment alone. Go play with cousin Bart."

"Yaaaay!" cheered the boys, hurrying out of the room.

The Simpsons stood aside as Ned and Maude strolled into the hallway, gazing seriously at each other. Ned led his wife to the arboretum, where they sat down between the hydrangea trees. A few yards away, Snowball rolled on her back and chewed on a mouthful of catnip.

"I don't know what happened to me, Ned," said Maude. "One moment I was falling to my death, the next I was on this space station."

"But…but this throws a monkey wrench in the Bible," said Flanders, shaking his head.

Maude reached around her husband's shoulders. "I know, honey. I always believed I'd go right to heaven when I died. Maybe I'm like Lazarus—he was dead for three days, and God brought him back."

"Hmm," said Ned. "I read John chapter 11 once, and I asked myself, if Lazarus died and went to heaven, why didn't he tell people what it was like after he came back to life? That was before I realized that asking questions was a sin."

"The important thing is that we're together," said Maude sweetly. "You have a wife again. The boys have a mother again."

Ned rested his hand on Maude's skirt. He leaned over, his lips approaching hers. Maude closed her eyes in ecstasy.

Then Ned backed away, shame enveloping his face.

Maude, her eyes still closed, her lips pursed, waited for the kiss that didn't come.

Ned lowered his head. "I…I have something to confess, honey."

Opening her eyes, Maude was startled by Ned's doleful expression. "Neddy…?"

"I was with a woman," said Ned without facing his wife.

Maude smiled. "A good woman, I hope."

Ned's eyes became moist.

"Was it that lovely singer, Rachel Jordan?" asked Maude. "The two of you have so much in common."

"Maude," said Ned, gazing earnestly at her, "I…was with…a woman."

Maude's eyes began to widen.

"I broke the seventh commandment," Ned admitted.

"You…you coveted your neighbor's…" Maude gasped. "_Marge?_"

"No, dear," said Ned. "It was Sara Sloane, the movie star."

Maude jumped to her feet, more indignant than ever. "_You shagged Sara Sloane?_"

"It all happened so…" Ned started to say, but his wife marched away in a huff.

* * *

TBC 


	6. Chapter 6

"Honey, please!" begged Ned, treading on his angry wife's footsteps.

"Sara Sloane!" Maude grumbled. "Of all the women you could have sinned with! I remember her from such skin flicks as _Basic Attraction_ and _Stardust Mammaries_."

"I thought I could change her," said Ned.

"She changed _you_," said Maude. "You're not the man I married."

"Please forgive me, darling," Ned pleaded. "Because if you don't, how can I expect God to?"

"That's between you and him," said Maude sharply. "Now leave me alone."

When she entered the Simpson quarters, Rod and Todd ran to her with cries of delight.

"Mommy's back!" said Rod.

"She looks happy," said Todd.

"She _always_ looks happy," Bart joked. "It's the makeup."

"Get out, Ned," Maude ordered her husband. "I want a moment alone with the boys."

"Okily-dokily," said Ned, hanging his head and turning to leave. Out of the Simpsons, only Lisa chose to follow him.

She found him in the corridor leaning against a wall, his face long. "What's wrong, Mr. Flanders?" she asked.

Ned only mumbled under his breath.

"Your wife's alive again," said Lisa. "You should enjoy it while it lasts."

"Enjoy it?" said Ned incredulously. "Can't you see what's going on? God has raised her from the dead to punish me for my sins. It's like Judgment Day, only too soon."

"All Christians ever talk about is sin and judgment," said Lisa haughtily. "You really should lighten up."

"I _did_ lighten up," said Ned. "And the next thing I knew, I was in the sack with Sara Sloane."

Lisa's mouth fell open.

"I'm sorry," said Ned. "You're too young to know what I'm talking about."

"You had sex with her," Lisa blurted out.

Ned nearly choked on his tongue.

"I may be a kid, but I'm not stupid," said Lisa.

_Note to self_, she thought. _Ask Mom what sex is_.

It wasn't long before Ned heard his wife crying bitterly. Hurrying through the door, he saw Marge trying to console the tearful Maude and the morose-looking boys. "Maude, honey?" he called out.

Maude only shot him a dirty glance.

"Have pity on him, Maude," Marge urged the woman.

"You betrayed my memory," Maude snapped at her husband. "You betrayed _me_."

"I'll make it up to you," Ned promised. "I'll be an even better husband to you than before."

"It's over," said Maude, her voice tinged with sorrow. "As soon as we return to Earth, I'm going to divorce you and take custody of the boys."

"Maude, no!" exclaimed Marge.

Taken aback, Ned could only stand motionlessly. Then a thought struck him.

"You can't do that, Maude," he told his wife. "You have no claim on the boys. You're legally dead."

Maude gasped and put her hands over her mouth.

"You have no identity," said Ned. "As far as the legal system is concerned, you don't exist."

Stung, Maude began to cry again.

Marge gently pushed the couple together. "There's nothing to stop you from getting married again," she observed.

"That's a gosh-diddly-darn good idea, Marge," said Ned.

Maude didn't speak or look up.

* * *

Its engines blazing, the shuttle floated through the bay doors into the expanse of outer space. The passengers—Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Ned, Rod, Todd, Maude, and Bleeding Gums—were strapped tightly into the vinyl seats. On Lisa's lap sat a pet cage in which Snowball I slept peacefully. 

"We're going back to Earth!" Ned proclaimed to his sons.

"Yaaaay!" cried Rod and Todd.

"First thing I'm gonna do is head to Moe's," said Homer.

"Yeah, right," said Bart. "Like Moe won't be waiting for you at Cape Kennedy with a beer."

"Hey, look!" said Lisa, pointing at the stars. "There's the Horsehead Nebula!"

"You kids want to stop _everywhere_," Homer grumbled.

Behind him, Ned grinned at his emotionless wife. "Now remember," he advised her, "your name's Millicent Flanders, and you're Maude's long-lost, unknown twin sister."

"Right," said Maude indifferently.

Five light-years later she unbelted herself and walked to the ladies' room. Once she had closed herself inside, a viewscreen materialized in the air before her. The image of a one-eyed, tentacled, green creature appeared.

"Report, Kodos," said the alien being.

"The mission is a success," Maude replied.

* * *

THE END 


End file.
